Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
