So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
