I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
