Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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