I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
