do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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