It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
