What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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