I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
we're making bets on your personal life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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