you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize