I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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