The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
