i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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