i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
