I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize