I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
