Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize