I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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