oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
