Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
