Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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