Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
