Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I deserve this hangover.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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