sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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