nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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