a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
