dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
