i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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