Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
