walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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