Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
