Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
