I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
