matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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