I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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