i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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