Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You took a bar mat shot.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Randomize
