apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's blow job season.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
