I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
