If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
