i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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