Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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