my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
