i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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