I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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