god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
