dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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