Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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