I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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