I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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