Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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