clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
