My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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