Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
