Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
